Dear Gary Faulkner, 

I’m just writing this quick note to let you know that I think what you are doing is awesome. I’ve never known anyone who’s ever been arrested carrying a sword, a dagger a gun or night vision goggles. Let all four of these things at once. I also don’t know anyone who has been arrested in Pakistan, let the remote, dangerous and according the American military “indefensible” Nuristan region of that country. And all of this accomplished while on a holy quest to decapitate Osama Bin Laden. Who does that? I mean it’s so freaking awesome. Nobody tries stuff like that anymore. And it’s a shame. 

Not to mention that you’re not some spring chicken or specially trained covert operations Navy SEAL guy or anything like that. You’re 50. You’re an unemployed construction worker. You have bad kidneys. You’re on dialysis. No offense, but your most recent mugshot and the photos released by your family to the press make you look like some middle-aged hippie who probably sells dream catchers and crappy Mexi-weed at county fairs and jam band concerts on the week. You certainly don’t look like the take-action, no holds barred, God-fearing, sword-wielding, bad ass SOB that you have proven yourself to be. 

I’m glad that you passed your psychiatric evaluations earlier today and that the doctors have determined that you are indeed not insane, psychotic or a danger to yourself or others. It’s a big relief. I hope you are released on your own recognizance soon so that you can get back to doing what you do best – hunting and then hopefully decapitating the evil Osama Bin Laden. 

Over here in America a lot of members of the press are referring to you as a crackpot and a loon and an idiot. Well, don’t let them get to you. They are all just jealous. Really, it’s true. They’re all just a bunch of spoiled, Ivy league wannabe arm chair quarterbacks who wouldn’t in a million years have the guts or selfless will to go out and do something as brave and completely bitchin’ as what you are doing. So they can totally suck it. You are a true American and hero and you shouldn’t listen to anything these so called “experts” are saying about you. Have they ever been arrested in a foreign country, in an unfriendly province of that foreign country, while carrying a sword, gun or dagger while wearing night vision goggles and a dusty Grateful Dead tie-dye T-shirt. No, sir, they have not. And that’s why they hate you. Because they’ll never have the courage to be you. 

That being said, I think it’s fairly obvious that I think what you are doing is great. However, I am worried that if you are planning to head out into the field to continue your search that I, and the rest of the world, might not be hearing from you for a while. I would like to humbly request that you take a moment to sign up for a Twitter account before you head back into the mountains so that you could give your fans and followers (in a cyber not religious sense) updates about your progress toward your goal.

What kinds of foods are you eating? What types of people are you meeting? Where do you sleep? Have you seen the remakes of The Karate Kid or The A-Team and did you like them? Has anything made you LOL today and if so what? 

You know, important things that an iconoclast such as yourself really needs to be sharing with the world. If you’d like I could help you set up a Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook account that all link to each other so that when you upload text, photos or videos to one all three would be simultaneously updated. It would really be no trouble for me to do and you could easily manage all three accounts from a simple 3g cell phone. 

The Taliban and Al Qaeda always seem to have pretty jazzy websites and viral videos circulating the web and there’s no reason America’s newest number one freedom fighter shouldn’t have a decent Internet presence himself. 

Anyway, think about it. I’m always happy to help. 

Thanks for being an inspiration to millions of us Americans who think what you are doing is super duper great. Good luck in your travels and searching. I hope you find Osama Bin Laden soon and get to chop his head off with one of your swords, daggers or cutting utensils. He’s a dickhead and totally deservers it. 

If you do please try to post video of it or at least a confessional vlog about it afterward so we can all know what you were thinking while doing it. That would be super cool. 

Take care, be safe and godspeed. 

Signed, 

Your #1 Fan

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